You look good with
a big nose, actually.

You could become a great
classical actor

and be taken seriously.

I got a little crevice,
can you see that there?

See?

- Yes.
- That's fizzy drinks.

- Yeah.
- And I don't think the color is great.

What do you think?
Have a look at the color.

I saw the color
last time I looked.

It registered.

It's what I'd call
"not white."

- Well--
- What color would you call it?

I would-- I'd concur
with "not white."

I'd go further.

I mean,
it's not yellow.

I, you know--

it's a sliding scale,
isn't it, you know.

- Yeah.
- I think you're...

- you're a--
- Hint of yellow.

- Closest to--
- Barley meadow.

- If you wanna give it--
- Tuscan sunset?

If you want--

You're getting laughs

but it's not making
your teeth look any better.

No, you know, so...

Pub ceiling?

The elephant man.

Mmm.

I think if your teeth
are too good,

you get bogged down
in the leading-man thing,

and I don't want
that to happen.

I think you can
sleep easy at night...

about the prospect
of being cast as a leading man.

Now I haven't got any teeth
at all there on the bottom.

Thanks for that.

That was pleasant.

Have another look.
Do they still look that color?

- It's okay--
- Let yourself adjust--

It's seared
on my retina.

I think once people
get used to them,

you actually--
actually, it's a nice color.

I think you could decorate a child's
nursery in this color.

Quite soothing.

But you could have saved them a few bob
If you'd been cast as Dr. Slop.

Yeah, but that's very
much a supporting role.

- This is--
- Yeah, and? The point being?

This is a co-lead.

Well, we'll see after
the edit, shall we?

Do you not think so?

Featured co-lead?

It's not a cameo.

It's not a cameo, no.

It's a supporting role.

It's not a supporting role.
I mean, all the way through.

Yeah.

It's a co. It's a co,
it's an "and Rob Brydon."

- It's us.
- It's not an under.

It's Steve Coogan,
Rob Brydon.

In fact, if we went
alphabetically,

which I think is
the only fair way,

it would be Rob Brydon,
Steve Coogan.

Yeah, but that would
just be ridiculous.

Ahem...

Groucho Marx once said

that the trouble with writing a book
about yourself

is you can't
fool around.

Why not? People fool around
with themselves all the time.

I'm Tristram Shandy,

the main character
in this story,

the leading role.

Susannah!
Susannah!

Susannah!

There are those who say

this is
a cock and bull story.

That's the bull,

my father's bull,

and I'll show you
the cock in a minute.

Susannah!

Susannah!

- Is it started?
- Yes.

- Yes, l-- I think it is.
- Oh ma'am!

- Shall I fetch the midwife?
- Yes.

These two gentlemen are my Uncle Toby
and Corporal Trim.

They're recreating
the Battle of Namur

where they both fought.

Get them forward!

Colonel lngoldsby's orders, sir.
The flag is to advance

to the ditch
behind the 50-pounder.

What?! The ditch?

There's no such thing
as a ditch out there.

The ditch behind
the 50-pounder, sir!

That is a ravelin.
A ravelin.

A farmer
digs a ditch!

- And so--
- Sir, get down!

when I said this was
a cock and bull story,

it was my cock
I was talking about,

not Uncle Toby's.

After all, am I not
the hero of my own life?

- Where's my chamber-pot?
- Master Tristram, where is it?

What have you done with it?
Is it hidden under the bed?

- Where is it?
- You'll have to let out of the window--

I need to pee!

Lift your
nightshirt up.

Poke your little pecker
out the window.

Do you think the time might come
when you don't make much of a fuss

about passing
your water? That's it.

That is a child actor
pretending to be me.

I'll be able to
play myself later.

I think I could probably
get away with being...

18, 19?

Until then, I'll be played by
a series of child actors.

This was the best
of a bad bunch.

He's unable to convey
the pain or shock

of such an event.

I think I can.

Susannah said I was doing it
exactly how you did it.

It may be
the same noise,

but it doesn't
have the emotion.

Go on, then.
Show me how to do it.

I was doing it
with a comedy,

not a pantomime.

Master Tristram!

Come here, let me
fix it all better.

Just about murdered you.

Oh my darling.

My dear darling.

Yes, there...

there, what happened?

This is my beautiful,
lovely mother

Elizabeth.

How did this happen?

It was my fault.
I removed the weights

- from the sash window--
- What?

At Mr. Toby's request to make
mortars for the Siege of Namur.

I wish now with all my heart
I had cut off something else.

My poor little Tristram.

So both my uncle
and myself were victims

of the Battle of Namur

even though it took place
years before my birth.

I was not unmanned,
by the way.

I was circumcised
like a lot of men--

manly men.

I can't speak
for my uncle in that area,

although even as a boy
I was curious.

Sir, where were you
injured during battle?

- This stretch of wall...
- This one looks quite like me.

The front of the curtain
is the breast.

- None of the men--
- There's a ravelin below this fosse.

- I shall dig it now, sir.
- There was indeed, Corporal, yes.

I tumbled into it just-- in the course
of the afternoon.

Where exactly
were you injured?

I will show you
the exact spot.

Soldier, quick march.

I received my injury
at nine of the clock

- just here.
- In the--

in the ditch.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

I am not yet born.

Mrs. Shandy's
took bad, sir,

with the pangs, sir.

They're coming thick and fast.
On my way to fetch midwife.

- She's doing badly?
- Yes, sir.

With the pangs.

When I was born, my father was
four years older than I am now.

So, given the family
resemblance,

I thought I should
portray him

as well as myself.

Walter! Brother Walter!

Brother, Elizabeth
isn't well, Brother.

- She's suffering from pangs.
- Pangs?

I believe she was referring
to the birth pangs, sir.

She's gone
to fetch the midwife

- and fast--
- The midwife?

No no no no.

Obadiah!
Obadiah!

I want you to ride like the devil
to Dr. Slop's

and tell him my wife
has fallen into labor

and I desire him
to come immediately.

I will not have
the midwife deliver my son.

Come on! Come on!
Get up!

You may find it surprising
that the method of my birth

had yet to be decided.

The cause was not too little planning,
but too much.

"l, Walter Shandy, undertake to arrange
for any confinement

of Elizabeth Shandy
in London,

and further undertake
to pay all expenses

arising from
that confinement."

Hmm.

What is the smaller
writing here?

That's just small print.
You always get that.

This is the beginning
of all my woes.

I should have to
stay in Yorkshire?

Yes, only if you once

already made the journey
to London by mistake.

In the September
before my birth

my mother, being pregnant--
or so she thought--

insisted my father
take her to London.

- You all right, my love?
- I'm fairly comfortable.

Not long now.

Just another two days.

Tell me, doctor, in your opinion,
is it a boy or a girl?

I'm afraid, madam,
it is neither.

It is a phantom only.

How can that be?

This happens more
than you can know.

L10.

L10 to tell us

that it's wind
that is inflating you.

Any other time of the year
would have been fine, but...

all my plums
will be spoiled.

It's not the expense
that bothers me,

but the disappointment
of losing a child.

Walter, I too
have lost a child!

No matter, dear.

Don't fret.
Please.

Unfortunately, due to
the length and discomfort

of the journey, by the time
they'd arrived back at Shandy Hall,

my father had decided
to implement the small print--

"The next birth
shall be at home."

It is infuriating

that Elizabeth
has this humor to...

entrust the life
of our child

to an ignorant old woman
when the admirable Dr. Slop

with all his
modern instruments

is so readily at hand.

Perhaps she does not
care to let a man

that close to her,
um...

Her what?
Say it, man.

By heavens, what's that?
Do you think she's to lay an egg?

You know nothing
of women at all.

Nothing at all.

No matter.
The point is Slop does.

He knows them
inside out.

He has a fine
brass instrum--

Obadiah, you were quick.

- Fortune favored us.
- Dr. Slop.

I only came to borrow
some pipe tobacco.

Dr. Slop!

Where the devil are you
going at such a rate?!

To fetch you, sir.

I was telling my brother about your
fine brass instrument,

the one
with the hinge.

It was new invented.
It's called...

- Forceps.
- Aye, the forceps.

I like the look
of those.

The forceps, they're in a bag
hanging off my bed-head.

I could...

No no, it must
be done properly.

Obadiah!
Obadiah!

I'll give thee a crown
if thou dost hasten.

Thank you, sir!

And l, another!

Susannah!

- Will you take a pipe, Doctor?
- I will.

I'd say we had...

a good deal of piping
at Flanders, Doctor.

Come on!

I meant a pipe to smoke?

Well, if it's smoke
you're after,

then Flanders
was the place...

at the Battle of Namur

- when the cannons were set off.
- Loosed.

"Loosed" is the proper word,
Trim, yes.

Dr. Slop, allow me
to show you a map...

...of such detail

and artistry as to make
a man's eyes water.

I'm here, I'm here.

Here, the City of--
come, Doctor, come--

the City of Namur
as it appeared

to the besieging forces
that morning in 1695.

The English
and the Scots

under the command
of General Ramsey

were positioned
in the trenches to the right.

Now the dilemma
for the good general was--

which way forward?

There were many directions
to choose from.

It is my humble opinion
that he chose the best direction.

No, Brother, what happened
that day to you?

Is everything
all right?

You know...
down there.

Almost there, sir.

Where does it hurt?
Where were you hit?

Sir.

This man's
lost his mind.

I think the injury
may be in a delicate place, sir,

which my master is
too modest to mention.

Damn.

Can a man be too delicate
too name his own privates

yet strong enough
to fight a war?

I shall have you
sent home, sir.

Unless this Obadiah
makes haste,

the thing will befall
us without forceps.

Here he is!

Well done,
sir, well done.

Good man.

A knife, have you a knife?

I have a knife.

Use your teeth,
Dr. Slop.

Your teeth...
oh well.

Ow, my finger!

Now this, Dr. Slop,
is a book

- in which there is a fine engraving--
- I don't want to see

your armies
at Flanders or anywhere,

and if I get my hands
on the blockhead

who tied
these blasted knots,

I'll kick him all the way
to bloody Flanders.

I have a book--

"Colorful Words
for All Occasions."

- Let me--
- I've got you, ma'am.

Now, on cutting the thumb or finger
with the pen-knife.

- There we go, the very word.
- No, I don't want...

by the authority
of God Almighty,

the Father,
Son and Holy Ghost,

and of all Holy Canons,

and of the undefiled
Virgin Mary,

- mother of Our Savior...
- May he be damned.

I'll go fetch
Dr. Slop.

No! No! No!

"Unless he repent him
of tying such knots,

may he be cursed
in his eye,

in his mouth, in his heart,
in his stomach,

- may he be cursed--"
- Doctor, midwife is here.

The midwife is here.

And she's bruised the upper part
of her thigh, here.

I'll come
and look at it.

You'd better look
into my mistress.

You're not fixin' to
use them on the little child?

Yes, this is
the very latest.

With these...

I can extrude
the baby's head

before the mother has a chance
to mash its head to dough.

I can show you.
Captain Shandy,

make a baby's head
of your hands.

You're to imagine
these sleeves

are Mrs. Shandy's...

funnel.

- Funnel?
- Meat curtains.

Meat curtain?
Brother?

My brother knows
nothing of women.

I insert
the forceps thus,

gently enclosing
the baby's head, you see?

And then
I gently... tug it!

Ooh! Agh!

Brother!
By my honor,

Dr. Slop has taken
the skin clean

off the back
of my hand, man,

with your... forceps!

You've crushed my knuckles
to a jelly in the bargain.

Lucky it's not
the baby's head.

A baby's head is naturally as soft
as a path of melon.

It's but a scratch.

- Trim, fetch a melon. Run!
- Yes, sir.

Nothing like
a baby's head.

- Nothing like one.
- Entirely different.

- Melon.
- Thank you, Trim.

Baby's head!

This is a much more
accurate representation.

- Funnel.
- Funnel?

All ready,
and then we merely...

Had my father possessed
a more scientific mind,

the tragedy of my nose

could have
been avoided,

but he was of
a more philosophical bent,

used to arguing
from first principles.

So eventually
when I was born,

I was delivered
with the very forceps

that had crushed
the path of the melon.

The baby's born.
You have a son.

- Congratulations--
- I need something stiff...

but flexible
for a splint.

- A quill, perhaps.
- Ooh, that'll do.

What has happened
to my son?

Doctor needs
to make a bridge.

I'm not finished.
Susannah!

Susannah!

- Doctor.
- Susannah.

Hmm.

What has happened
to my son?

There was
a small mishap.

A mishap with
the machinery.

- Machinery?
- It is the forceps.

He has merely...

broken his nose.

It had ever been
my father's wish

to have a son
with a big nose.

All the great men
of antiquity had big noses,

a nose like
Caesar, Dante,

Pythagoras,
Newton,

Alexander the Great.

But I'm getting
ahead of myself.

I am not yet born.

I'll attend the lady.

No!

Gee!

Deirdre, confound you!

Don't you touch those!

Get off!
Get-- back!

My son is
not yet born

and already
I am exhausted.

Should we go and see
the fortifications?

Mrs. Shandy...

Get on the bed.

The bed, woman,
the bed.

There is nothing
more important...

than the choice of name

in deciding
the future of a child.

Four fingers,

- She's four fingers dilated--
- Good.

The highest is Trismegistus
as in Hermes Trismegistus,

the greatest philosopher,
the greatest law-giver,

the greatest priest.

And he was an engineer.

Then you should
call him that, then.

The child should
be called Tristram.

- Tristram, no.
- Tristram.

No, Tristram's the worst.
Tristram is the dog's breath worst...

I know.

How did I come to be named Tristram
given my father's views?

Well, even though my birth
is fast approaching,

there's still
time to catch

the tragedy
of my naming.

Sir, it's the baby.
It's the baby, sir.

He is as black as night.
Black as my shoes, sir.

There, he's as black
as my shoe.

We might lose
the baby, sir.

The parson is here
and his horse.

The baby
must be baptized.

- Yes. Hand me my britches, please.
- No.

There's no time
to get dressed.

My mistress wanted to know
if it should be named after Captain Toby

as he's the godfather.

If my father had been sure
I was going to die,

he would have complimented Toby
by naming me so,

thereby saving the name
of Trismegistus

for one who
might survive.

But he couldn't be sure.

The name, sir,
the name, the name.

- Trismegistus.
- Trismegistus.

You're
a leaky vessel.

Can you carry it the length
of the corridor without spilling?

Trismegistus,
Trismegistus,

Tris--
Tristram Gistus,

Tristram Gistus...

Trisme--

- Tristram?
- No, it's not that, no.

There is no Christian name
beginning "tris" but Tristram.

No, it's not Tristram.

It has some
"gistus" in it.

Tristram Gistus?

Tristram Gistus!

There is no
"gistus" in it, dear.

It is my name and a very
fine name it is, too.

I baptize you in the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Tristram Shandy.

All is well. Little Tristram is
made right with God.

"...Brethren,
this child is regenerate,

grafted into the body
of Christ's Church.

Let us give thanks
to Almighty God..."

Look, ma'am.

He is well.

He's not
black anymore.

Ma'am, look.

It's a miracle.

You have not
forgotten the name.

No, and the baby is well.

My beautiful beautiful
Tristram Shandy.

Tristram?

My son has been cursed
from the moment of his conception.

Now, I forgot to mention this.

Well, it's not that I forgot.
It's more that I thought...

I should save it until
we knew each other better.

My father had
two domestic obligations

and being a systematic man,
he liked to dispense them both at once.

The first was
to wind the clock.

The second
was more enjoyable.

Walter!

You may be familiar
with Locke's Theory

of the Association
of ldeas.

It's been updated since
by Pavlov and his dog.

If the dog hears the metronome
when he's being fed,

the dog starts to associate
the metronome and food.

So in the end,
if he hears the metronome

even when
there's no food,

the dog starts
to salivate.

A similar association of ideas
took root in my mother's head

between one domestic
obligation and the other.

As soon as she heard
my father winding the clock,

she began to salivate,
as it were.

Of course, it works
the other way around too.

After a while,

if you give the dog the food
without the metronome,

the dog produces
no saliva.

So on the occasion
my father came home

and was feeling so keen
to dispense one obligation

he skipped the other,
he surprised my mother...

Walter.

Elizabeth.

...who was therefore unable
to produce any saliva.

My dear...

My dear, have you not
forgot to wind-up the clock?

So it was the circumstances
of my conception

were as confused
as those of my birth.

Good night.

Yowling won't help.

- How is she?
- It may be some hours yet.

- I can see the head, ma'am.
- Let me see.

- Let me through.
- I'll fetch the--

- No no no no.
- I can't see with the sheet--

That's it, that's it.

Lay her down flat! Flat!

I can't work
like this! Flat!

And... thank you.

Thank you very much.
Okay, that's it.

- We'll pick up tomorrow morning--
- Are we good?

Okay, move
the set piece, please.

Rushes screening at 8:00
for anyone involved in the battle scene.

I can't actually
see the baby's head.

Okay? All right, then.

Mark, we're not doing the--
you don't want the birth today?

No, tomorrow morning.

- That's great.
- This scene's supposed to be

about Walter's
love for his son.

I don't feel very involved,
I feel quite peripheral.

I don't think Mark's read
the book since he was nine.

I'm not trying
to be greedy--

Don't worry, you're
in it, definitely.

I'm not saying that.

I've got to see
Debbie about shoes.

All right, I'll get rid of these
and I'll take you to costume.

- All right, okay, yeah.
- Yeah?

- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Should we take
this nose off now

or should we do it
in the makeup truck?

Yeah, 'cause I don't want--
my son won't recognize me.

- Hey!
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Fine, great, thank you.

Oh...

apple crumble
and custard.

They made me eat it.

Steve?

I'll take you to costume
when you're ready.

All right, Jennie,
this is Jenny.

- Hello.
- Hello.

This is Jennie also,
not Jennie too, Jennie also.

Yeah, me and Jennie
were...

flirting before,
but now that you're here,

we're just gonna
stop that for a while.

- Great, good.
- Okay? Good.

She's so beautiful.

- What's she called?
- Thank you.

He's a boy.

- Right, sorry.
- He's called Steven.

- What, Steven like his dad?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Hello.
- You all right?

- I'm good, how are you?
- I saw you sitting there.

You want to be
in the movie?

Don't, you're
upsetting him.

Sorry, Steve, but Leo needs you
for a couple of minutes

- to try out the womb. Is that okay?
- Now?

Yeah, Jennie'll
take you over.

- So, I've gotta go and do this, baby.
- It's okay.

I'll see you later.

- Okay.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Your wife's
very pretty.

Yeah yes,
she's not my wife,

but a... girlfriend.

Yeah, she's just up
for a couple of days.

Hi, Steve,
thanks for doing this.

- Wow.
- That's the womb.

When you're talking
to the camera as Tristram.

Yeah, I know what it is.
It's just a while since I've seen one.

Did Mark talk to you
about being upside down?

- No, he didn't.
- Ah.

That's what
we need to try out.

Real wombs don't have
a window like that, though, do they?

- Womb with a view.
- Womb with a view.

So that's
very good then.

Tell my mother
I'm sorry for everything.

You'll be fine.

You can let
the walls out now.

Hey hey--
that's wrong.

Okay, I'll try
the other way.

Yeah.

Okay, lower him down.

That's it.

I just kept getting
caught a bit.

That's it,
open the walls out.

Right.
That looks great.

- It looks good?
- It looks great.

You've put on weight.

- Eh?
- You've put on weight.

I've not put on weight.

If I'm a fetus going off
to kick and stretch,

that's what
fetus-- feti do.

Yeah, not when
they're full term.

You see the baby
just about to be born,

so he'd fill
the whole space.

He'd be upside down
and his head would be wedged

in the mother's pelvis.

How about filming
the other way around--

the right way up,
and then just flip the image?

Well, maybe,
but I'd have to have

a word with
Mark about that.

I mean, I think he
wanted the realism.

- He wants realism?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a grown man
talking to the camera

in a fucking womb.

- Okay, all right, get me out.
- Get him out.

Please, just get me out, he's--
he's a dick!

- That's fine, Steve.
- All right, pull-- get me out.

- Get him out.
- Please...

No, you jam me--
you're jamming me!

Whoa! Easy! Easy!

Easy, easy!

- You all right?
- Yeah yeah.

That was great, Steve.

Really really good.

- Well, good.
- That's gonna work perfectly.

I think the clothes
make it tighter.

It'll be all right
on the day.

- I'm not doing it naked.
- Well, that's how babies are.

But babies don't
have to be funny.

I think you'd
look funny naked.

Every man thinks
less of himself

for not having
been a soldier...

- Dr. Johnson.
- Yeah, well, you are one now.

He would definitely
have worn a hat.

He would
have worn a hat.

- Well, I've got a hat.
- No question about it.

I hate the hat.

Yes well, you're not
Uncle Toby, are you?

You're...

Rob Brydon.

Ah, that's it.

I was trying to tell
my wife about you,

but I couldn't
remember your name.

Hi, Steve.

Hi.

This is-- in the reshoots
for the big scene.

I'm not in
the battle scene.

No.

- What do you think?
- Not bad.

- The hat's a worry.
- It's historically accurate,

so we have to wear it.
I don't like it either.

- Jennie?
- Mm-hmm?

- Can I get a coffee, please, love?
- Yeah, sure.

- Rob, do you want one?
- Yes, please, can I have a macchiato?

- Okay, I'll try.
- Thank you very much.

Actually, Jennie,
can I have...

one of those as well?

Yeah, okay.

- Shoes.
- Shoes.

You worry because yours
are different from Toby's.

It's not that, it's--

Walter in all the scenes with Toby
is supposed to dominate.

This would have been
covered in powder.

Because of the heels,
it comes across that I'm--

because I'm shorter,
I'm overcompensating,

Iike I've got some
Napoleon complex, you know.

So you don't
like the shoes?

So we just have
to vomit on them.

I should dominate totally
in those scenes.

It should be like
I'm Gandalf and he's Frodo.

"You shall not
have the ring."

Very good,
very good, Rob.

- I do Steve as well.
- Can you?

Can we just sort
the shoes out first?

"Can we just sort
the shoes out first?"

I've got a big house
in the Hollywood Hills.

Look at my pole!

See, that's Alan Partridge,
I don't speak like that.

- I don't talk that way. Yes, I do.
- Stop it!

So, Rob's too tall.

- Or you're too small.
- No no no.

No, Rob's shoes
are too high.

Rob's short.
That's a good thing.

- Hmm.
- That's why he was hired.

The problem's
continuity because

we've already shot quite
a bit with these shoes.

It should stand straight.
These are just too floppy.

This is not an ego thing.
It really is...

it's... the shoes are
key to the character.

The character's soul...

It's coffee,
but it's not macchiato.

Well, I don't understand

why I'm here then,
in that case.

- Great, okay.
- They want you to do it in costume.

- Is that all right?
- This is wrong.

This is
the wrong shoulder.

You would fire
from that shoulder.

Let's just try and get
the hats on them.

Aha!

I'm not a happy boy.

Right.

- Hey, Jennie, thanks. I'll take over.
- Hey.

Thanks.

- Thanks, Johnny.
- All right.

Tony thought it would look good
if we had some crew in the background.

- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

- How you doing, boy?
- Good to see you.

Can we start with knowing me,
Tony Wilson, knowing you Steve Coogan?

- Now, how is that?
- Let's rise above that, shall we?

- Okay, you're right.
- No, it's just--

it's something a TV series
did a long time ago,

and I'm trying to like...

sort of...

- change the record.
- All right.

Okay, sorry,
my fault, my fault.

I did Rob yesterday

and he does a fantastic
impersonation of you.

They said, "When you got to make it
like Steve, make it like Steve Coogan."

Well, Steve,
no matter what he's doing,

is basically...

Oh, you're so dirty.

I mean that's basically
whether he's Walter,

whether he's Tristram,
whether he's Steve,

or he's Alan Partridge,

it all boils down to that.
Steve's hero is...

is Roger Moore.

And Roger Moore's
style of acting

is not a million miles
away from Steve's.

Yeah, I see--

impression I see as
a sincere form of flattery.

He pretends he's taking
the piss, but he...

he loves me, really.

He's very
obsessed with me.

Steve Coogan,
why "Tristram Shandy"?

This is the book that many people
say is unfilmable.

I think that's
the attraction.

"Tristram Shandy"
was a...

post-modern classic

written before
there was any modernism

to be post about.

So it was way
ahead of its time

and, in fact, for those
who haven't heard of it,

it was actually
listed as number eight

in "The Observer"'s

top 100 books
of all time.

That was
a chronological list.

Right. Okay...

If you want to see
the EPK interview,

it'll be part
of the DVD package

along with extended versions
of many of the scenes

which should act as footnotes
to the main film.

It is Tristram's story.

It's called "The Life and Opinions
of Tristram Shandy."

So I guess it would
be Tristram's story,

whatever else
you might hear.

Steven Coogan,
Tristram Shandy,

thank you.

Thank you.

- Okay, thanks.
- Great.

I was so pleased when
I heard you were doing this.

It's my favorite novel.

- Really?
- Yeah, I just love it. It's fantastic.

Who's playing Widow Wadman?

It's my favorite character,
Widow Wadman, in the book.

- Right, she's not in the film.
- No?

- No?
- It's a great love story.

I know, in the book
it's a great love story.

But there's
so much in the book,

so rich, they've
gotta-- you know--

- It's sad, I understand.
- Loads of stuff in it.

You've got time
for a drink?

The missus is here,

- so...
- Don't you worry.

Let's catch up
in Manchester.

All right, mate,
great seeing you.

Lovely to see you again.

- All right, boy.
- Keep it up.

- God bless.
- All right, good luck. Thank you. Ed!

Oh, Mark, I need to talk
to you about something.

- Shoes, yeah?
- Yeah yeah.

There's a bit
of a problem.

- Talk to Debbie about them.
- Okay.

We'll have a look
at rushes as well,

go over the battle stuff.

- Okay, it's a status thing.
- No, I understand.

- Well, 8:00, is that right?
- Yeah.

Steve? Steve, can l
grab a lift with you?

The minibus has gone
and left me stranded.

- Yeah, sure.
- Thank you very much.

- Just hop in the back.
- All right.

- It's quite chilly, isn't it?
- lsn't it?

- Yeah.
- Brrr.

Sorry, Steve.

Blocking your way.

I would do a screen test
for Alexander Payne, yeah--

Steve, so would l.

So would Rob Brydon.

Okay, I'll see you
back at the hotel. Okay, bye.

- Sorry, that was my agent.
- My agent as well.

She just wants to talk
to me about some scripts...

- from America. Yeah.
- Oh, right.

Fuck you, asshole!

Fuck you,

you son of a bitch--
asshole,

fuck you.

I'm taking you down.

I hate battle scenes.

I think they're boring.

I just don't understand why
they're bothering to reshoot this one.

- It doesn't make any sense to me.
- I couldn't agree more--

I mean, there is
so much in that novel.

Why would you
choose that?

- Do you know what I mean?
- Exactly exactly.

Why not choose Widow--
what's-her-name?

No no, 'cause that's
a love story, isn't it?

Love stories are just as boring
as battle scenes.

What is--
what is so original

and exciting
about the novel

is the "Tristrampedia."

Where Tristram--

No no, it's where Walter
spends the entire pregnancy

Iike compiling
this book of knowledge

Iike an encyclopedia,

just for his son.

The Jewish custom
of circumcision

came to the Jews
by way of Egypt

or possibly
from the Syrians

or the Phoenicians
or the Capadocians,

which suggests...

that Zola and Pythagoras
and Ptolemy

were all circumcised.

If they submitted to it,
why not you?

I think that's brilliant.

Yeah, I loved
the dedication

that Walter shows
to his son

and I identify
with that.

And then
you know, like,

Tristram grows up

and he's nothing like
his father wanted him to be.

It just all goes wrong,
like we all go wrong.

Because ultimately,
the way we turn out is just all

- a matter of chance, you know?
- Yeah.

I mean, like,
for instance,

my mom spent her entire life
dedicating herself to me.

She washed, she cooked,
she cleaned, she ironed,

she worked
in the evenings.

- She made her life a fucking misery.
- Yeah yeah, right.

You ask yourself, "What-- what was
that all about?"

- The road.
- Yeah, sorry.

I mean, yeah,
but you know,

You do ask yourself, "What is that
all about?" You know?

That should be
in the film.

You know, originally
I was gonna play

Tristram and Walter.

Yeah, that's when
it was gonna be a sitcom.

God, look at them!
This is gonna be massive.

There's loads of them.

They've all brought
their own tents.

I didn't know they had
caravans in the 18th Century.

Steve? Steve?

How are you
doing, man?

Knowing me, Gary Wilson,
knowing you, Steve Coogan.

- It was eight years ago.
- I know, but everyone loved it.

- I know they did.
- We met on the set

of "Around the World" and in Cannes
for "24 Hour Party People."

- Oh right.
- What a night that was, eh?

Well, I can't remember it,
it must have been.

Yeah, indeed.
I spoke to Adrian,

your agent, yeah?
I'm doing a profile on you for Sunday.

He's here,
so I'll talk to him.

Yeah, great.
Good guy.

- Hello!
- Hello!

- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?

Nice to see you-- aw...

Nice to hear us.

You look fantastic!

- Really good.
- I look dreadful.

No, you don't.
You look like a mom

who's having
to do everything

because her husband
is away filmmaking.

She's got
a nanny.

But she has a nanny,
so that's good.

Yeah. I'll
see you later.

- I need to go to the rushes.
- Okay.

I'm going to try
and get him down.

Can you give us
a hand?

I'll go see Adrian
for five minutes

- then I'll come back.
- Okay.

See you later.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Very well, thank you.

- You just missed Jenny.
- No, I just saw her.

Do you mind if I just have five minutes
to talk with Adrian?

- Do you want me to go?
- Yeah.

- Everybody's there, you should go.
- All right.

- It's nice to see you.
- Catch you later.

- See you later.
- Do you want a drink?

Yeah, can I have
a vodka tonic, please?

Mm... catering
must be good.

It's just it has
all these running snacks.

All snacks and no running
by the look of it.

- I'm sorry about Gary being here.
- Yeah, I just saw him outside.

He's a very
unpleasant man.

Do you remember anyone
called Heather?

- Gobbler?
- Gobbler.

She's a lap dancer

and by the sound
of what she says

you'd got up to in your hotel bedroom
on the 20th of January.

You ought to be able
to remember her.

Oh fuck.

- Did you have sex with her?
- No.

- Drugs?
- No.

- You didn't have sex with her?
- No.

No, you didn't?

No... I did.

Anything weird?

Mm...

- no.
- Good.

She's trying to sell
her story to Gary's rag.

That's why he's here.

I promised him a feature
if we can limit the damage.

He just wants
to do a big spread

on how your life
has completely changed

since you've had a baby, you know,
very soft and fluffy.

Well, I'm not able
to do that, so...

- Well, just think about it.
- It's using my son.

- I'm not gonna do it. It's not proper.
- All right.

Just do it.
It's done and it's over.

- It's just--
- I know.

Here are those scripts
from America.

The best of
the bunch is HBO--

an English aid worker
who loses his memory

and falls in love
with his own daughter.

I've read it.
It's rubbish.

It's just...
it's TV--

- At HBO they do a lot of good stuff.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm too young to play someone
who falls in love with his daughter.

You'd have to be
a pedophile.

I mean, you gotta try
to think two films ahead.

Don't I need
two films for that?

Yeah well, that's what
we're trying to do, isn't it?

Well, there you go.
I'm gonna see Jenny

- 'cause I've gotta--
- The scripts.

Ah, the scripts.
Yes yes.

I'll add those
to the rest.

Okay, I'll see you
at the rushes.

- See ya later. Bye.
- See you guys later. Thanks.

Steve, Steve...
this is David lngoldsby.

- A genuine 18th-century soldier.
- 17th century.

You look good
for your age.

The point is they've got
hundreds of enthusiasts

and they're all willing,
able and... cheap.

- Mm.
- Well, we'd do it for nothing,

- to be honest with you.
- Don't tell him that.

He'll have have you
doing it for nothing.

It'll be great to have a photograph
with you, though,

'cause I'm a huge fan.

- Fire away.
- Do you want me to take that?

- Just point and shoot.
- All right then.

Dave's just been in
"Around the World in 80 Days."

- Any battles?
- Well, not really.

It was a Jackie Chan film.
Tell him--

Do you know that
the best battle scene

is in "Lancelot du Lac"?

You know-- yeah, that's right,
the Bresson film.

It's just there are
these two knights

and they're both
encased in armor,

and they just keep
clobbering each other.

You know,
it goes on forever.

You're just hitting
and hitting.

It's actually like a metaphor for life,
you know?